Took a time out...shittiest time out ever

i had to take a few days out at my mothers. Past week has been shit to say the least. Monday i found out a close friend lost her mother, tuesday the boy lost his uncle- all i could say to both of them was im here for you call me whenever you like. then wednesday i get a call about Liam. 
Liam was a childhood friend and someone i used to see ( by see i mean a casual relationship), Noone apart from his mum knew about the relationship ( he was older than me and was my uncles best friend at the time) i called it off because we were both getting into drugs (only weed at this stage and the occasional few pills) , i wanted to stop before it escalated ( even though 5 months later i'd be smoking weed, taking methadone and pretty much any painkiller i could get my hand on) we parted on bad terms ( Liam didnt understand why i was calling it off before it turned into something more, i thought i was doing us both a favour). my plan didnt go as intended, Liam was offered heroin, and he took it, few months later it wasnt just the smack habit, but a coke AND methadone habit as well. 
Last wednesday i got a call from his mum Lou ( it was sometimes difficult to understand Lou or Liam as they both had fairly strong irish accents, and Lou was constantly on the drink) saying Liam had OD'd and was in QA asking for me inbetween in and out of consciousness, now we'd still speak but it normally ended in an argument ( he hated the fact i left him). After debating in my head i thought i'll go see him, see how he is. Now i've seen people in a pretty bad state but he was fucking ill, He'd become such a heavy user the veins in his arms had collapsed, most veins in his body just wouldnt take a needle, he was skinny to the point of dangerous and had cuts up and down his arms and legs. The nurse told me that Liam had septicemia ( that how you spell it? oh fuck it)  was suffering from malnutrition as well as the OD. The lining of his heart was weak also. I went back to see him thursday morning and he didnt seem that much better, he managed to speak a little but not much, He said he was sorry for being an ass about me leaving, how he wishes he'd not got into the drugs and that despite hardly seeing me that he loved me. THAT was hard... all i did was smile at him and hold his hand as i said sorry, i promised that i'd be back the following day. Thursday evening i got a call from a friend of ours saying Liam might not make it and could i come down, i was due to babysit for my mother and she wouldn't let me bail. I asked Lou to ring me friday to let me know when to come see Liam. At 12:13 on Friday i got a call from Lou saying that Liam had gone into Cardiac Arrest and there was nothing they could of done.
I've only cried once since Liam died, all i ccan think about is how things could have been different if i'd stayed with him, stopped him from getting into drugs and actually been there, Liam was one of those people who i knew there'd always be feelings for, we may have drifted apart but he was a big part of my life growing up and before the drugs, always there for me .
Liam O'Connell i miss you and i love you very much, Im sorry i couldnt of been there for you
Sleep tight 
x